I got an email the other day from a girl named Laurel and she wrote:
Dear Kathleen,
I am so glad there is someone like you inspiring so many girls out there! I’ve seen numerous social media posts recently about some girls losing their virginity veerrrry young. One of my friends recently wrote a post about what a big deal it is, and I totally agree. would you talk to us about sex and explain why we should wait till we’re older? I’ve often wondered that myself
Not that I’d want to lose my virginity young… But I think it comes into a lot of girls heads and we need someone to talk about the ongoing struggle about thoughts about sex.
Why do we have to wait until we’re married or until we really love someone? Why do we have to wait until we’re older? How come it’s such a big deal?”
Thank you for doing this. This is a really big topic with girls.
Laurel – Thank you for writing and asking. I think a lot of girls have these questions but don’t ask & just give into the pressure. They don’t stop to think about what it really means and they just do it because they think it’s expected or everybody else is doing it & they won’t be liked if they don’t do it too.
Girls today are bombarded with negative media messaging and are being exposed to sex – lots and lots of sex in advertising, social media, magazines, films, television and online porn. Add in adolescent hormones and peer pressure and what’s a girl to do? No wonder you’re questioning “what’s the big deal?” It’s everywhere and it’s been normalized and desensitized and you’re being made to feel odd or left out if you don’t do it.
Your first time is a really big deal. You only get one first time. Here’s a video I created to respond to Laurel’s question and to get you really thinking about how you want your first time to be instead of just letting it happen to you and regretting it for the rest of your life.
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Take-aways:
1. Do NOT share your first time on social media!
2. It’s OK to say “No.”
3. It’s OK to say “Maybe, but not right now.”
4. It’s OK to say “I’m not ready.”
5. It’s OK to say “I’m not sure. Let’s talk about this.”
6. You get to decide when the time is right for you!
7. Always use protection! The last thing you need to be worrying about is a sexually transmitted disease or an unwanted teen pregnancy.
For many adults and well-meaning parents, we come from a place of hard-earned experience and know firsthand the damaging effects of being careless with such an important decision. I’ll never forget my first time. I lost my virginity when I was sixteen years old – just two weeks after my mother died. I was literally looking for love in all the wrong places and thought if I just gave this guy what he wanted that maybe, just maybe he’d fall in love with me. He didn’t. He didn’t call, he didn’t walk me to the door, he didn’t introduce me to anyone as his girlfriend. Rumors swirled around school and people started calling me a slut. It took me forever to heal that shame and if I can help it, I don’t want you to have to go through that too.
One of my former coaching clients was in her mid-twenties and was so embarrassed because although she’d had plenty of hookups, she’d never had a real boyfriend – ever. She kept making the same mistake over and over and over again and expecting different results. Together we worked on her inner confidence and I helped her value herself and make decisions and choices based on knowing her own worth. She now has a wonderful boyfriend and they are both head over heels in love – but it only happened when she stopped giving herself away and got really clear about who she was and what she was looking for, and most importantly what she deserved – to be treated with respect.
So what do you think? Is sex a big deal? What about your parents, do they freak out about sex? Please, I’d love to know what you think. Leave your comments below. Moms, share with us why you want your daughter to wait. Girls, share with other girls your experiences about being pressured. Remember – you get to choose! Make sure the time is right for you. Don’t ever do it just because everyone else is doing it and you just want to be normal. Remember this –
normal is just a setting on a washing machine! You get to be YOU… and I hope you take the time to decide what’s right for you. Because you’re worth it and you’re worth waiting for.
