I'm Not Much - But I'm All I Think About: The Selfie Phenomenon - Kathleen Hassan

There’s a war going on and the battlefield is in our own mind. We are in a perpetual state of conflict. Paradoxically, like an ego maniac with an inferiority complex…

We desperately want to be loved and yet we hate ourselves.
We suffer from FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and yet we isolate.
We want to be treated with respect and tolerance and yet we criticize and judge others.

And I say “we” because I feel and act that way sometimes too. (and don’t even think about denying the fact that you do too!!) All of these conflicted thoughts, feelings and actions – actions that completely contradict what we say we want – are amplified and magnified through social media.

The “Selfie” Phenomenon

Currently, the hashtag #selfie yields more than 31 million hits on Instagram. The Oxford English Dictionary named selfie Word of the Year and defines it as “a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website. There has been much discussion in the blogosphere about selfies and whether they are a form of self-expression or self-absorption? In a recent papermag.com interview, Amy Poehler had this to say:

The amount of Instagram selfies is out–of–control,” she told the magazine, referring to the over active social media accounts of both her fellow celebrities and the general Instagram population. “The idea of, ‘This is my face and everyone needs to see it all the time,’ is so far from the privacy that people used to seek,” she elaborated. The internet community and, now, the world seem to disagree with Poehler, as “the Word of the Year” has not just been a hit among teenage girls and the Kardashians — the trend has reached all corners of the web, even Michelle Obama has joined the club.

But wait… apparently even Presidents and Prime Ministers are doing it!

How on Earth do we teach our girls to love and accept themselves in a world that is modeling the exact opposite behavior, teaching them instead to seek approval and validation from everyone but themselves? In another article, the San Jose Mercury News offered some positive perspectives, and several teens talked about the benefits of posting “selfies” namely improving your social status when others comment and “like” them. The article also addresses the darker side – the false self-esteem from the rush of satisfaction in the moment:

Therein lies the challenge: practicing selfie control. Because teenagers are often driven by insecurity to construct a desirable persona, they are particularly vulnerable to the negative side of self-portraiture.

But it’s not just selfies…

Am I Pretty or Ugly? Girls’ Self-Worth Wrapped Up in the Approval Rating and Opinion of Others

There’s another disturbing trend in the YouTube Universe and there are over 500,000 of these videos out there. These girls are opening themselves up to all kinds of comments and opinions from complete strangers. The very thing they are seeking – approval and acceptance – is the very thing they are lacking. It can only come from within or they will forever be at the mercy of the opinions of others for their sense of self-worth. How do we even begin to turn this around?

It begins with a dose of humility.

Humility, as a word and as a virtue, gets a bad rap. It is often misunderstood and the word itself is often confused with humiliation – something we avoid at all costs.

So what does it mean to be humble? Even the quote above and the definition below seem to be in conflict. If you wish to rise, descend first? hum·ble adjective 1. having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance. To me, being humble doesn’t mean thinking less of yourself – but thinking of yourself less. So yes, we must descend and take that longest journey – from our heads to our hearts. We must model this behavior ourselves and that means that we have to take a good look at some of our own self-absorbed behavior too. We all have to stop looking outside of ourselves for our sense of value and worth. We must remind our girls:

What anyone else thinks of you is none of your business.
Your value is not in your looks.
Offer compliments based on accomplishment and service.
Foster a spirit of humility – not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.
Encourage our girls to take ACTION and go DO SOMETHING for someone else.

We live in a celebrity obsessed culture that makes being famous a desirable goal and good citizenship is typically overlooked or used as a means to that end. Don’t let Community Service become a check mark on the to-do list to beef up the college application process. But even if that is the end goal, humility and service go hand in hand. This is the ultimate, divine paradox of this kind of giving – we always receive way more than we give. One of my coaching clients, admittedly signed up to assist with a Cradles to Crayons giving project to satisfy her Community Service requirements, but became completely transformed by the experience. Perhaps if more parents are aware of these trends, it will start some important conversations about self-worth and service at home and in schools. There are so many powerful examples of girls who are making a difference. My friend and colleague, Francine Ward, says that “self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts” and another mentor and colleague of mine, who recently passed away, was the legendary Ziz Zigler said, “You can have anything you want – if you just help enough people get what they want.” In the comments below, let us know about a girl you know who is out to change the world – in big or small ways, or ways that you have got involved in community service and how it changed you. Better yet, how about we start a whole new trend… I propose Selfies 4 Service. Post a selfie of you doing something great in your community and use the hashtag #Selfies4Service when posting it on your social media sites!