What comes to mind when you hear the word “bitch?” The “b word” has so much negative connotation to it and our fear of being labeled as such often keeps us toeing the line and squashing our thoughts, voices and opinions.
Last night I was working with a client who is a 2nd grade teacher and currently has a student teacher in her classroom. My client was describing all the ways that this neophyte was not performing up to expectations or the standards that she has set for herself and her classroom. But rather than being strong and assertive, she had slipped into a more passive-aggressive role and was allowing the performance of this student teacher to totally affect the mood and energy of the classroom.
When I asked what was the block that was preventing her from being direct and laying it on the line for this young woman, her response was “I don’t want to come off as a bitch.”
First of all, it takes such courage to take a good look at our own behaviors and identify the triggers and underlying beliefs that are keeping us stuck in a negative loop. But it’s not enough to just take a peek, we need to really dig in and examine them and decide for ourselves if these beliefs serve us or block us from getting what we really want.
In our coaching session, we explored all the other words that come to mind when we hear the word “bitch.” I did a quick google search and came upon something called
The Bitch Manifesto, a paper written in 1968 and has since been quoted in several blogs and books on feminism, and I read some of the synonyms and words that describe the qualities and characteristics of a bitch:
Bitches have some or all of the following characteristics.
1) Personality. Bitches are aggressive, assertive, domineering, overbearing, strong-minded, spiteful, hostile, direct, blunt, candid, obnoxious, thick-skinned, hard-headed, vicious, dogmatic, competent, competitive, pushy, loud-mouthed, independent, stubborn, demanding, manipulative, egoistic, driven, achieving, overwhelming, threatening, scary, ambitious, tough, brassy, masculine, boisterous, and turbulent. Among other things. A Bitch occupies a lot of psychological space. You always know she is around. A Bitch takes shit from no one. You may not like her, but you cannot ignore her.
2) Physical. Bitches are big, tall, strong, large, loud, brash, harsh, awkward, clumsy, sprawling, strident, ugly. Bitches move their bodies freely rather than restrain, refine and confine their motions in the proper feminine manner. They clomp up stairs, stride when they walk and don’t worry about where they put their legs when they sit. They have loud voices and often use them. Bitches are not pretty.
3) Orientation. Bitches seek their identity strictly thru themselves and what they do. They are subjects, not objects. They may have a relationship with a person or organization, but they never marry anyone or anything; man, mansion, or movement. Thus Bitches prefer to plan their own lives rather than live from day to day, action to action, or person to person. They are independent cusses and believe they are capable of doing anything they damn well want to. If something gets in their way; well, that’s why they become Bitches. If they are professionally inclined, they will seek careers and have no fear of competing with anyone. If not professionally inclined, they still seek self-expression and self-actualization. Whatever they do, they want an active role and are frequently perceived as domineering. Often they do dominate other people when roles are not available to them which more creatively sublimate their energies and utilize their capabilities. More often they are accused of domineering when doing what would be considered natural by a man.
After reading them out loud, my client exclaimed… “Exactly! Why would I want to be seen as any of them?”
But then I asked her this,
Do you think Oprah has ever been called a Bitch?
“Um. Yeah.” was her response.
Then I asked, “What do you think Oprah would do if your student teacher was working at Harpo Studios?”
And my client replied,
She’d fire her ass!
So I gave my client some homework. She was to choose a strong, powerful woman that she greatly admired, then read over this manifesto and highlight all the words that might be used to describe her.
Here are some of the positive connotations from the list that I associate with powerful women:
Assertive, strong-minded, direct, candid, competent, competitive, independent, driven, achieving, ambitious and tough.
And my favorite:
A bitch takes shit from no one.
I recently spoke to 1500 7th grade girls at a Young Women’s Leadership Conference and told them that the reason more women and girls don’t step up to become leaders is that they’re afraid of what other people will say about them. Now more than ever, it is vital that we teach our girls life-skills to rise above the fray, to dare to be direct, to risk the criticism of others and to use their voices to change the world.
Recently Ann Coulter, political pundit known for her attention grabbing statements, appeared on
The View and was asked, “If a woman ran the country, would there have been a government shutdown?”
Coulter’s response:
Well, this probably won’t be popular with this audience. I’m not sure I agree with the premise. I think there’s a reason the words “bitchy” and “hysteria” come from females.
It’s time for all of us to take a good look at the word
bitch and observe our own visceral reaction to it. Then take the sting out of it and decide for yourself how you want to show up in the world.
The question shouldn’t be “if a woman ran the country” it should be “when.” And when she does, we had all better get comfortable with the word “bitch” and pray that Madame President is strong-minded, tough, direct and that she won’t take shit from anyone!
