Healing Teen Anxiety: 5 Ways to Break Free

There’s an anxiety epidemic in our culture today and it’s affecting millions of teens, especially girls. Nearly 32 percent of adolescents in the United States have an anxiety disorder, according to survey data reported by the National Institute of Mental Health. Society’s solution is often prescribed medication to alleviate the symptoms, but like a bandaid on cancer, it only masks and rarely eradicates the problem. In order to heal it, we have to fully understand it and become aware of the insidiousness of this disease. Make no mistake about it—this is indeed a disease, as in, not being “at ease,” and it’s literally killing our kids. According the CDC (Center for Disease Control), suicide rates are up 30% since 2000. 23% of high school girls seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year (YRBS – Youth Risk Behavior Survey). Just last year alone, four of my teen girl coaching clients had previously attempted suicide. So what’s the solution? Having been in 12-step recovery for nearly twenty years, I have come to believe that we are all addicted to something. In today’s social media culture, where the quest for followers and likes reigns supreme, the most obvious and overlooked addiction is our phones. But whether it’s approval seeking, alcoholism, drug addiction or getting stuck in the vicious cycle of depression and anxiety, all of us have have unconsciously bought into society’s mantra of “bigger, better, faster, more” which sets us up for a lifetime of striving and overwhelm. When the pressure becomes too much, we seek relief in anything that takes us out of ourselves. Ironically, running from the pain or avoiding the emotions will do the exact opposite because whatever we resist will only persist. Therefore the only solution that really works is a spiritual solution. We have to gain access to the God-force within, the very power that can solve all our problems. 1. Note to self: My way doesn’t work! Nobody likes to admit defeat. But in order to heal, we have to get honest with ourselves and become completely convinced that our way isn’t working. I want to have this tattooed on the inside of my eyelids so that every time I blink I’ll be reminded that my way never works and that my own best thinking got me into this mess. Einstein once said, “You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” We need access to a higher consciousness. But here’s the thing about God… He gave us freedom of choice. He will never intervene on our behalf without our request. As long as we’re holding on to our way of thinking, there is no way that God can enter in. It’s a complete oxymoron but we absolutely must surrender to win. We need to let go and let God. My way doesn’t work, but God’s way always does. 2. Power of the Pause: Breaking Reactivity All of our power lies in the space between stimulus (stuff that happens) and response (our reaction to what happens). But most of us go through life with an unconscious, knee-jerk reaction to stimulus, instead of choosing the response that will bring us the desired outcome. But when it comes to stress and anxiety, especially in the throws of a full-blown panic attack, pausing can be extremely difficult. Our instinct is to panic more, run from it and try to push it away. But each time we react this way, we strengthen our conditioned response to stress and the more of a hold it has on us. But, if we can pause just for a moment, we have the power to choose a new response in that moment. When anxious thoughts creep in, pause as soon as you notice them to break that loop. You’re not trying to change your experience, but you allow the thoughts and emotions to come up, and you make the conscious decision that you will no longer get swept up in them. In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Step 11 suggests prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God. We are told to read this step daily so we drum it into our heads that, “as we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day, “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We to not tire so easily for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.” 3. Smell the Flower… Blow Out the Candle:  Close your eyes and picture your favorite flower and imagine breathing in the scent. I like to think of a big bouquet of spring lilacs and inhaling in that once-a-year delight to the senses. Next, picture the warm and flickering flame of a single candle or a whole slew of them on a birthday cake and muster up the breath it would take to blow them all out. Doctors, scientists and researchers have proven that three deep breaths turn on the relaxation response. But most of us get caught in the “flight or flight” response to stress and nobody ever told us there was an “off” button. Deep diaphragmatic breathing is the basis of almost all meditation and relaxation techniques and the benefits can be healing and life-changing. It can significantly lower the harmful effects of the stress hormone, cortisol, and can lower your heart rate and blood pressure. The biggest payoff is reduced stress, increased relaxation, inner peace and the ability to handle whatever life throws at us. There are many different techniques to practice deep breathing, the simplest being to inhale to the count of five, hold for a couple of seconds and then exhale to the count of five. But no breathing technique or stress management tool is a quick fix! It takes practice, discipline and consistency. Jon Kabat Zinn is a world renowned doctor and educator who teaches all of his patients how to meditate. He likens it to weaving a parachute, and on day one or two you may have only woven a few strands. But over a long period of consistent practice, you will have woven a parachute that will carry you safely back down to earth when life kicks you out of the plane! You may not even be aware that it’s working until you’re on the other side of a stressful situation and then suddenly realize that you handled it like a boss! 4. Mindful or Mind Full? Have you ever gone to bed at night, after a long, tiring day, and the minute your head hits the pillow, it’s like an alarm goes off in your head? Suddenly your mind is racing and spinning with thoughts about all the things you haven’t accomplished yet and all the stupid things you’ve ever done. Although we can’t control our emotions, practicing mindfulness helps us respond to them in a calmer, healthier way. One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 4:6 that says, “Don’t be anxious about anything.” That is literally the Word of God telling us to chill. It goes on to say, “but in all things,” (not some!) “with prayer and thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.” When our mind is full of fear and worries, we are literally asking for more of the same. But when we are praying with thanksgiving, it’s as if we’re thanking God in advance for handling this issue. But then the best part is the promise that comes right after that verse; “and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding shall guard your hearts.” This means that God’s ways are way better than anything we could ever come up with and try as we might, we will never fully understand why in the midst of a complete sh*t show, we somehow manage to remain calm. But God, in His infinite wisdom, doesn’t leave us hanging there. In the next verse He leaves us with instructions on what to focus on instead: “whatever is lovely, pure, noble, excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.” In other words, when your mind is focused on the problem, you cannot possibly find a solution. But when you train your mind to be full of great things, you will become a magnet to attract more great things. I’m not suggesting that you simply ignore your emotions or cover them up with forced spirituality. Emotions serve as our internal GPS system and can alert us to the thoughts and feelings that are derailing us, like messengers letting us know exactly where we’re stuck. But feelings are not facts. They are meant to inform us and can serve as a moment of power when we observe them and then consciously choose better feeling thoughts. 5. Just for Today: Time is the great equalizer in that all of us have been given twenty-four hours each day. How we use our time and where we focus our attention during that time will determine our level of success and will measure the impact we make in the world. Al-Anon Family Groups is a world-wide organization that provides help for families and friends of alcoholics. They put out a little pamphlet entitled, “JUST FOR TODAY.” Just for today… I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime. It’s only when we lug the resentments and regrets of the past, while clinging to what may or may not happen in the future, into this day do we become anxious, depressed and overwhelmed. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, but today is a gift—that’s why they call it “the present.”” When I first got sober, my sponsor told me to begin my day on my knees, asking God to keep me away from a drink, a drug or a substitute. And then, at the end of the day, to get back on my knees and thank Him for keeping me sober for another day. I found that this actually bookended my day and allowed me to operate within the confines of those twenty-four hours only. When people ask me how I’ve managed to stay sober for so long, my response is always, “one day at a time.” Like I mentioned at the beginning of this article, whether it’s alcohol, drugs or getting stuck in the vicious cycle of approval or anxiety addiction, the most effective strategies remain the same. I’ve witnessed absolute miracles in working with literally thousands of girls in helping them recover from anxiety. This website is filled with lots of resources. My blog and podcast are available to read, listen and download for FREE! You can enroll in my brand new online program, “A Crash Course in Confidence” with six powerful modules to release negative self-talk, amp up your inner warrior and kick perfectionism to the curb. If you find you need more individualized guidance, sign up for a FREE Breakthrough to Confidence Discovery Session to explore how my Unshakeable Confidence Coaching program can help you and your daughter become unstoppable.   Schedule Session